What Teens Really Need

Yesterday, I was told a story about two very great kids we know, a young man and women, who were caught in the library making out. I chuckled at the story...who knows if it is even true.  Both, age16, come form great homes and are homeschooled.  Again I just chuckle...not because I am laughing at the indiscretion or making fun in the least, it's just funny how we homeschool moms think that homeschooling will somehow insulate our teens from the normal processes of growing up.  I was kind of laughing at myself, knowing that in some sense the way I have chosen to parent could leave me vulnerable to such gossip.  It could happen to any of us.

And what if it does?!
Will the world come to an end?
Will all our efforts have been for nothing?

These fears reflect a very deep rooted heart condition, a condition that is hard to admit and face.  To face these fears is not simple, it requires true inquiry and reflection, and a willingness to be undone.

To be undone is a work of humility.

It's crazy that we even wrestle with these fears...the very fact that I am alive and well and striving to live a life before God is proof that indiscretions do not ruin teenagers...I had plenty, and I survived. I was a good girl, but I made out with my husband before I married him.  My teenage girls know this, we have talked about love and sexuality and attraction and marriage...I have shared my heart with them and also my experiences, letting modesty and discretion be my guide. I do not glorify sin...but I do not see sin in everything...and this is what teens need.

Teens need real.
Teens need mercy.
Teens need relationship.
Teens need lots of conversation.
Teens need fun.
Teens need trust.
Teens need firm convictions.
Teens need unconditional love.
Teens need prayer.

Parenting with fear seems to be the norm these days, and I am guilty at times.  This culture has turned structures upside down, and it is scary...very scary.  Sometimes I watch my teens and I think; this is all they know, this culture is all they know.  Reality is that we are a part of this culture, and we will either cower in fear or face it head on, and the struggle will not leave us unscathed whichever path we choose.  There will be indiscretions...every generation has had indiscretions.

Parenting teens brings me to my knees.  In prayer I know that I must resist the urge to bolt from my heart and rule with an iron fist of fear.  In His hands, and living in His presence will see us through, for Love conquers all.  Love is the opposite of fear.

Perfect love casts out fear.  1 John 4:18    

How to Not Be Empty

Beware of the barrenness of a busy life. -Socrates

I really don't know when I got it in my head that I desperately needed to outsource in our homeschool to be successful.  After Samuel was born I think I was determined not to let another baby hold my older children back from their goals (my goals is more like it). It was a great plan, so I thought... just let someone else teach them, hold them accountable.

What followed was a year of schooling outside the home, in co-ops and online.  How I reasoned that packing this gang of five up in a car and traveling an hour one way was an easier way to educate my upper level students is kinda foggy...but I do vaguely remember my husband warning me, counseling me, shaking his head at me.

At first we were cooking with gas...getting lots of educational stuff done, making friends, going to fun activities, and in general just enjoying the new day to day.  We were busy, and in the beginning that felt as if we were thriving.  However, after a little while I noticed that our lives were becoming less and less centered at home. My cooking became weird, our prayers too sparse, everyone was going in different directions, the littles were being cared for but not cared for, I was growing more and more discontent, and in general just feeling disconnected with myself and my family, especially my husband.

And then a few weeks ago I hit a wall, circumstances collided and my choices became clear...all that is left now is to correct course.  My mom commented, "Mandy, thank goodness you have things you can cut without hurting anyone...the activity and busyness of your life can be easily remedied."  Her comments are those of a woman who knows what it is like to have responsibilities that cannot be remedied.

The ability to correct busyness is a blessing, almost like a gift, and I am very grateful for the freedom to choose the life I desire and need.

I see now that my outsourcing was about fear and pride...it was me believing that our home life was not enough...that I was not enough.  Ironically, it is the outsourcing that is causing a true emptiness, an exhaustion and distraction that makes me unavailable. It also refocuses our life on things that are not bad in themselves, but result in a deep and true distraction nonetheless.

So, here is my remedy for emptiness...how to not be empty...Go Home!

Women leave home for many reasons, and I only judge myself, we all have stories.   Sometimes home seems the most empty place on earth and outsourcing presents itself as a remedy, and for some this may be true.  However, for me my home is a fountain of grace, a constant outlet of energy, and a nourishing refuge.  Home is my remedy for emptiness, my journey has taught me this.

Long Cold Winter

"Ho, Mouse!" says Hare.

"Long time no see!"

So they pop white corn. 

And they brew black tea.

            -Bear Snores On

A Good Day

We stopped at the Fort Worth Zoo to see the lions, Samuel's favorite.

We drove through Big D headed to Granny's.  Frank Sinatra played on the stereo.  We met Pa Glen and Amma for dinner before the party.

Granny (Gigi, the greats call her) celebrated her 85th birthday.  So happy to be with her on this special day. 

The great grands had a blast seeing each other and catching up...what a beautiful bunch of kiddos.

Honoring the Process

When I was a young teenage girl my mom and dad traveled to Indonesia on a missionary trip.  Of all the stories they came back with I remember one in particular.  The home where my parents stayed belonged to a middle class Indonesian family and they had three small children.  My mother was very intrigued by the way the mother of the home handled her children.  The maternal grandmother also lived in the home, and she was as much a part of the children's daily care as the mother.

What impressed my mother the most was how well behaved the little boys were...how pleasant.  As she watched the ladies care for the children she was shocked to see that the word "no" was hardly ever used.  In fact, most of the day was spent following the children around and gently redirecting, letting the children explore, climb, and play at will.  The mother or grandmother stood by quietly, always watching and ready to catch, hold, and otherwise facilitate the child's self direction while securing their safety.

One afternoon my mother witnessed the oldest boy eating his lunch while riding his bike in the street with his friends.  The mother was standing on the other side of the front yard fence with a bowl of rice and vegetables, and every few minutes the boy would ride up to the fence and get a bite from her then return to riding.  He ate the entire bowl while playing with his friends.

As a mother I just love that image.

Motherhood is a wondrously complicated and highly individual art. It is shaped by unfathomable impressions, memories, experiences, and nuances.  It is absolutely impossible to know what a mother is supposed to do or why she does what she does.  These things are shaped by something unseen, something that resides in the heart of the mother and is incomprehensible to others.  I told the story above to share just how this heart is developed.  Like a magnet that attracts all the metal in the junk drawer, a woman has been collecting her mother conscious all her life.  The boy on the bike eating his lunch in freedom was given to me second hand, and yet it has been a powerful metaphor for child raising in my own experience.  This is miraculous when one ponders the nature of how we humans go about caring for our young.

I think that most of the skills, knowledge, and abilities we have as mothers are gained through the organic process of living.  And if we stay connected to the vast storehouse that is the present moment we have everything we need to be a good mother.  I have heard women say, "I was never taught how to be a good mother."  And I agree if what is meant by this statement is more truthfully, I never had an example of a good mother in my life.  However, I do not think this makes it impossible to be a good mother...what wisdom and heart can be found in the pain of a troubled childhood.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

The greatest tool I have ever used as a mom is awareness...just practicing awareness.  In each moment, if I am truly present I am always enough.  I am never perfect, but I am enough.  Within my heart I have everything I need to love and cherish and mother my children...it's all there, everything I have collected and experienced has brought me to this moment, and I can trust my own heart.  Honoring this process and recognizing it is dynamic is the tricky part.  This gaining and collecting process is ongoing and very much alive.  It is natural to change and grow as a mother as I live longer...motherhood is not static.

Another aspect to this process is that as a community of mothers it would be wonderful if we honored the process in each other.  When a mom says she needs support she is not asking for advice or the latest parenting self-help book per se.  What she needs is for someone to get to know her well enough that she can share her heart with that person.  And it is in the sharing of the heart that women come to themselves, that they learn through communal sharing...women are very communal.  When we honor each other we intrinsically honor ourselves, and this type of friendship is authentic and life giving.

I suspect that the reason I have been struggling with my parenting lately is because I have not been honoring the process...I tend to demand a type of static perfection.  And this is lazy parenting. Awareness demands that I stay present, plugged in, and connected with my kids.  As far as I know Moses has not come down off the mountain with the 10 laws of motherhood, oh wouldn't that be easy...or maybe not.

Maybe being a good mother is kind of like standing at the fence and feeding the child while he rides his bike...being that stable source of nourishment while the child rides like the wind.  Maybe it's just being willing to roll with it and trust that what's in my bowl is enough.  Maybe it is acknowledging where and how my bowl is filled.

 And maybe what makes a great friend and support is that I honor that process in you.              


                

Brace Yourself

Before...

 After.

Today Adalay got her braces off.  How exciting.  We went for cheese burgers afterwards and shopping for girly stuff...makeup, soaps, and hair products.  I love my time with Addy.  It is wonderful to parent teens....enjoying the journey today.  

Homeschool Convention

I am going to the Texas Homeschool Convention with my sweet sister-in -law.  I have not gone to one in a couple of years, but this convention has a lineup of seminars that interest me...they are practical and informative.  I am especially interested in the seminars on high school transcripts/portfolios/scholarship applications.  I am also looking forward to introducing my SIL to the wonderful world of homeschool books and curriculum.  She and my brother are planning to homeschool their children.  Emmelia, their daughter, is my godchild. They are expecting baby number two, and I am super excited! 

Math Facts Boot Camp

The strategies I learned as an assistant in a math rehabilitation classroom in an alternative school years ago are strategies that I use to this day.

I believe wholeheartedly in learning the basic math facts.  I believe in drill!  Drill for the skill!

My third grade student is in my math boot camp this year.  If all we accomplish this year is learning the basic math facts and learning them with speed and confidence, I am very confident that this foundation will ensure success for future abstract skills.  

If your student is struggling with math, if they falsely believe that they are "bad" at math, it could be that math facts drill is just what they need to regain a sense of accomplishment and confidence.

Below is a list of where to start...this is how I progress through the basic facts of addition and subtraction.  In a later post I will share some great tricks to learn the multiplication and division facts quickly and with a bit of fun!  

Addition

•  doubles ( 1+1, 2+ 2, 3 + 3, 4+ 4, 5 + 5, 6 + 6, 7 + 7, 8 + 8, 9 + 9)
• doubles plus 1: Child uses what they know about doubles and adds 1... sounds like 8 + 9 is the same as 8 + 8 +1 which is 9
• doubles minus 1: Child uses what they know about doubles and subtracts 1...sounds like 8 + 7 is the same as 8 + 8 -1
• number plus 1 or plus two ( 5 + 1, 4 + 2)
• number plus or minus zero (5 + 0, 6 + 0)
• commutative property (3 + 2 = 2 + 3) 
• ten combinations ( 5 + 5, 6 + 4, 7 + 3, 8 + 2, 9 + 1)
• ten plus a number (10 + 4, 10 + 7)

Subtraction

One great way to teach mastery in subtraction is to teach it in relation to addition.  For example, once the student knows (or maybe you are using this method to teach addition as well) that 8+2=10 you can easily introduce fact families.  You might say, "We will use these same numbers (10, 8, and 2) to memorize 10-8 and 10-2. 10, 8, and 2 are a fact family...and they stick together.  10-8...who is missing?  Well, it's two of course!  10-8 is 2!"  

Most fact families of 3 make 4 facts. Example:

  

8+2=10

2+8=10

10-2=8

10-8=2

0's can be tricky. Example:

7+0=7

0+7=7

7-0=7

7-7=0

Doubles make 2. Example:

2+2=4

4-2=2

A creative way to make your own set of fact family flash cards is to pick up the paint sample cards at a home improvement store that have four colors.  Write each fact from the fact family on the 4 different colors.  If you were to make all the fact families from 1 to 18 in this way that would mean you would need about 100 paint samples.

Fact family paint sample flash cards can also be used for multiplication and division facts.

No time spent learning these basic skills is ever wasted.  It can be fun, and it definitely improves a child's attitude when they know their stuff! 

Here are  a few helpful resources I have found.

Green Monster Learning

Columbia.k12

Mastering the Basic Math Facts

Math-Aids.com

    

Slap Her

Girls shouldn't be hit, not even with a flower.

January Preschool

  Snowflake Bentley

Make coffee filter snowflakes.

 Make a snowflake from Borax.

View Caltech’s snowflake gallery.

Learn the snowflake song by Jean Warren.

Cotton-Ball counting.

The Quiltmaker's Gift  

Have a tea party and serve Blueberry muffins and Ceylon tea.

Make bird feeder pine cones.

Learn the Seven Continents song.

Make a paper patch quilt and practice shape recognition.

Learn the meanings of the words: greedy and generosity.

Stone Soup

Cut and glue vegetables from magazines onto a cut out soup pot.  

Practice the names of vegetables.  

Help make a pot of soup with mommy.  

Play which onion is bigger.  

Practice setting the table properly.

Field Trip Ideas: Ice Skating, Quilt Shop, Kitchen Store

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Daily Docket

Special Day- Birthday, Name day, Feast day, Holiday, Saint.

Pace- What speed do I have to go today?  Do I really need to be running like a hare, or can I take it slow like a turtle?  Knowing the pace of the day is good for me.

Priorities- What are the top 5 things I have to get done today?  Did Slade ask me to do something for him?  Do we have appointments?  Do I need to pay a bill or make a phone call?

Parenting- A mommy focus for the day.  A special lunch for Elinor.  A walk with Sophia. Be patient and speak softly today.  Play airplane with Sam.  Talk with Addy late tonight.  Practice piano with Caroline.

Partner- Something sweet, something small, something kind, something for Slade.

The Plan- A skeleton for the day...when I will do what's on the docket.

Daily Readings- One sentence that captures something inspirational from my readings.

Prayers- Just a reminder, a little circle to remind me to make prayer a priority.

Pantry to Pot- Start dinner at breakfast.  Make meal times intentional and nutritious.

Project- If I have time what is one project I can tackle today?

Professor- What are the school goals for today?

  Water- Remember to stay hydrated.

Christmas Gifts for a Homeschool Mom

The average "gifts for mom" list is not necessarily a good fit for a homeschool mom.  Don't get me wrong...I love perfume and scarves and expensive handbags just like the average girl, but if you really want the wow factor for this homeschool mom of five I have a better list.  Maybe you can forward this post to your hubby or whoever is asking you that pressing question, "What do you want for Christmas?"  I hope this list will inspire you to answer with every bit of the quirkiness that defines a homeschool mom.  

Just a bit fun...happy shopping everyone.

The Best Crock Pot on the Market

My large crock pot has a hairline crack in the removable porcelain crock.  I am afraid to do too much in it, and I am for sure not transporting it anywhere.  Crock pots are a homeschool mom's best friend in the kitchen.  We can start dinner at breakfast and as the house is permeated with the smell of lemony chicken it is so reassuring to know supper is on. 

 An Amazing Coffee Pot

My coffee pot is trying to peter out on me...and that just cannot happen.  I currently have to jiggle the cord to get the green power light to appear.  I wait every morning in suspense...it's just too stressful.

 A Large Utility Tote from Thirty One

This is such a great gift for a homeschool mom.  This tote can be used for picnics, as a library tote, camping, day trips, etc.  One use I would like it for is to stock my car with a mommy survival kit.

A Prime Account from Amazon

I already have this gift, but I had to include it.  Free Shipping for books!  Are you kidding...this is a homeschool mom's dream!    

 A Laminator

This gift is over the top.  The one I want is a little pricey, but oh so cool.  I would love it to make dry erase activities for my littles, flashcards specific to the things we are learning, saving works of art...the possibilities are endless.  

 Wireless Color Inkjet Printer with Scanner and Copier

What a tongue twister...but never mind that.  This little beauty makes the homeschool day to day much easier.  The copier is a godsend. 

 A Comb Binding Machine

This is so dreamy...now I can spend my summer making the kind of workbooks we love...suited just for us.  I would trill with delight if I opened this gift.

And for the stocking... 

 Livescribe Notebook by Moleskine

I love the feel, the smell, and the size of the Moleskine notebooks.  It is very inspirational to write in something of this quality.  Keeping a daily journal is a great way that homeschool moms can unwind and reflect.  

 Free Time Coupons 

This could come in the form of a coupon booklet if you would like something to unwrap.  It's easy to make them on the computer or just make them with colored pencils and crayons.  12 would be perfect...12 Free Time coupons that I can spend...like say once a month.  It is nice to have time alone sometimes.  

Sharpies 

Yes...I said Sharpies.  I love to have those around, but I am always too cheap to buy them for myself.  I want a big set...just love office supplies.

  

A Country Christmas

We celebrated the Butler Christmas at a ranch in Abilene. My sister-in-law's family invited us for a weekend in the country, and it was perfect.  I cannot remember when I have had a better time.  It was relaxing and hearty...good for the soul and senses.  Country folk really do have the most fun...especially if those country folk are from Texas!

Simple gifts...nothing extravagant.

Rustic ambiance. 

A warm and cozy bunkhouse.  My oldest brother Josh said, "This feels like church camp."

We gather in the kitchen.  Lots of great conversation.

Tamales and our parents!  Two of my favorite things.

Lots of cooking.

More cooking.

A porch swing.

Cheese and wine.

The best food.  Featuring a prime rib with horseradish sauce and au jus. 

Outdoor fun!  We also took a Christmas carol hayride underneath the Abilene starlit sky.

Four wheelin' on trails.  Throwing rocks in the pond.  Looking for wildlife.  Kickin'up dirt! 

A large covered porch for outdoor fun.

A spirited game of spoons!

Cousins are the best!

Amma brought a bag of Christmas books to read to the grands!

 Christmas dishes with red solo cups...what's more country than that?  

 The girls made blankets together!

The smiles come easy.

The dogs are in heaven.

Birthday Season

August- Samuel- Age 1

Blue icing cupcakes and a simple evening with just us.  Birthdays at this age are always spent at home with good food and cake!

November- Sophia- Age 9

Strawberry cake and a sleepover.  Sophia got a a real bow, and she loved it.

December- Caroline- Age 13

Chocolate cake and a dance party.  30+ of her friends and family cut a rug in our shop.  Bonfire and Nacho bar.  It was a big one for the new teenager in the house.  See was gifted a harp from her Amma and Pa Glen.  

Birthday season at the Sexton House.

A Few Nativity Pictures

A collection of Christmas books.

Wrapped up to be a sweet surprise for the evenings of December as we prepare for Jesus to be born.

Our Jesse tree.  We have since abandoned the hanging of the ornaments.  Brother Bear seems to have decided that all paper products should be torn to shreds.  We are reading, praying, and lighting a candle.  However, I often find myself praying this prayer, "Lord please accept this very imperfect prayer."  Evening prayers are interesting with a toddler and baby.  The interruptions and noise make me feel like we are just scraping by sometimes.  But, we keep practicing.  Glory to God for all things.

A Birthday Bow

Sophia always gets two birthday parties.  One at home and one at Amma and Pa Glen's house the day after Thanksgiving.  She had a great time learning to shoot her new bow from Pa Glen.  Her ninth birthday was special...growing up way too fast! We are impressed with Sophia's ability to hit the bullseye.    

Christ in Our Midst

Tonight I headed out to the art shed to look for a set of Logic books that I need for a class I am thinking about teaching in the spring.  When I opened the door to this small space I was aghast at it's condition.  My two oldest daughters use this space the most, and it was amazing to me that such little care is taken with all the very expensive art supplies in their room.  This space is intended to be an artist's retreat...a renovated plant shed fully furnished with oils, canvases, watercolors, chalks, charcoal, drawing pencils, instruction books, etc.  I left the little wreck of a room quite angry.  Before prayers I had a chat with the girls about caring for our home and respecting the things in it as objects of great value.  Because things do have value...and not just monetary value. They have value in themselves.

In a world that has gone spiritually mad it is often difficult to understand the material world...to value it in such a way that elevates it as holy.  And yes, I believe paint and pencils and books are holy things, along with everything else in the created world.  One of my favorite authors, Madeleine L'Engle, sums it up quite nicely in her wonderful book Walking on Water, 

 “There is nothing so secular that it cannot be sacred, and that is one of the deepest messages of the Incarnation.” (And if you love the subjects of art and faith this is a must read...a must purchase.)

When I first read that book in my early twenties it was like a butterfly effect in my life...a small change that created an earthquake later down the road.  And since, I have been utterly undone by the knowledge of the Incarnation and its implications.  A simple shift, yet so profound...no longer must the material world be subject to the murderous accusation of being evil, or worse, mundane. No longer must men decide if some thing is good...if some thing is evil.  Everything God created is good!

Christ became man, taking on flesh, showing that man can become by grace what Christ is by nature...we become the body of Christ.  Christ showed us that the material world is good, and real, and valuable.  It's all very deep, and I do not intend to get in over my head in theology.  But, at the same time I know that this knowledge, however limited and shallow, has changed my life. This knowledge can change one's entire inner posture and experience.  Because of Christ man has the power to redeem his world....to live the incarnation.  Every good work is essentially an incarnational work.  And what we would deem as bad works, or sin, have no material value because evil cannot create anything.

But, I am a common housewife...busy with so-called mundane tasks...tasks that go unnoticed and undervalued by a world that is high on ideological promises and rhetoric.  A world that believes ideas change the world, not home cooked meals and prayers before bed.  How can this common housewife be anything more than the one saddled with all the unpleasant necessaries...the stuff that has to be done so we can get on with the real business of the world?  Is my work really valuable...the work of my hands?  Is it incarnational...dirty diapers, really?  

And yet, here I am tonight thinking about art supplies and how they are holy and how if my children will value them it will grow in them a heart after God.  And how lately I have been in a modern mood...not really valuing things...and barely tolerating people.  A momentary lapse of heart...that's what it really is.

After I came in from the art shed I opened the altar cabinet doors, and I decided to take care of something valuable...something I have been neglecting...the liturgical supplies.  Incense has permeated the wood along with the earthy smell of beeswax.  It is a wonderful smell, and it did my heart good to touch the things in the cabinet, holy things.  I looked across my living room and an interesting thought crossed my mind...everything in this room is holy. This is the antidote for my modern mood...for my lack of enthusiasm.  Every thing and every person in this home has value...in and of itself.  And I am the keeper...the keeper at home...the keeper of home.

My work is holy.  And every thing I encounter in my day; the laundry, the crying, the dishes, the food, the neighbor, the phone call...every demand, every interruption, every failure, every trill of laughter is...

Christ in our midst.

Most days these kinds of thoughts do not pass through my mind. Most days I just get up and put my work boots on...one at a time.  But sometimes it is good to remember, especially when life begins to stretch me thin and and I feel like my work is drudgery.  Sometimes we keepers at home can get in a bad way.

Tomorrow I am going to help the girls make things right in the art shed.  I plan on cooking a nice dinner and finishing up the laundry.  I hope to steal away for a bit and finish my Journey to Nativity calendar.  There's always school that needs doin', and babies that need rockin', and dishes that need washin'.  And I am going to read this post again in the morning...and remind myself that all of this...this big life that wears me out...it's holy...it's valuable...it's incarnational.

It's Christ in our midst.

Happy Children

Happy is he who still loves something he loved in the nursery: He is not broken in two by time; he is not two men, but one, and he has saved not only his soul, but his life." G.K. Chesterton