My New Kitchen

I have a new kitchen!  Yes, my husband decided that we needed to update, partly in preparation of a possible move, but I think he mainly did it for me.  We have been tossing around the idea of buying a new house for some time now, we convince ourselves that we need a bigger space to live in, and that our kids need room to grow.  Somehow we can never really bring ourselves to make the decision.  Maybe after the baby comes the nest will get uncomfortable and we will want to fly the coop.  Or possibly we will nestle in, all snug and cozy, close to each other.  I have two sides to me.  One side would love a large living area and a bigger dining room and another bedroom.  However, when I look around this wonderful house I tell myself that I just have American eyes.  I say, "Remember what you saw in Honduras?  Remember what you promised yourself then?"  That's the other side of me that wants desperately to be content.  I am content... (I am so glad we do not have cable, those improvement shows would really mess with me.)

So here I sit in my brand new kitchen.  I say brand new, what I mean is that I have a new double oven, a new cook top, and a new microwave installed above the cook top.  It's wonderful to get new kitchen stuff.  I even went out and bought new things to organize my drawers, I threw out many of my old and broken items, and I broke down and replenished our silverware.  I was holding on to the wedding utensils, its hard to admit that I have been married for seventeen years, that the wedding presents are fading, breaking, and disappearing.  I am sentimental like that.  But, this new kitchen has given me an idea, it has helped me overcome my morning sickness blues, and it has inspired me to hope.  Yes, I have been in a funk lately.  By the time I spend six weeks in my pajamas, fighting with food and drink, going from the bed to the potty to the bed again, I feel very weary and a little depressed.  But, my husband, well he just knows me, he knows how to draw the best out of me (and the worst at times.)

Did I need new stuff to feel better?  Absolutely not.  However, the idea that has come to me is this, all things are new every morning.  Sometimes all I need is a new beginning to help me overcome my struggle.  I am not out of the woods yet, and I definitely am still fighting with nausea, but this new kitchen reminds me that I am new every morning, I change, circumstances change, and not always for the worse.  Even amidst suffering, hope is available, not in the fixing of things, not in the cure, but in the newness of every morning.  If I awake, I am blessed, and that is hope.  If I do not awake, I am with my creator, and that is hope.  Somehow hope is the cure to all suffering, even if I never feel better.  

My husband is a look forward kind of guy, and he refuses to accept despair.  He always is looking for a way to move on, get to the other side, and make something work.  When I look at all the time that went into this kitchen, I know and feel his energy in this space.  He is a visionary, and he knows the benefit of not looking back.  I love that about him.  He would work away in this kitchen every evening, his power tools buzzing, and the buzz was infectious.  It drew me out of my dark room, my dark space.  He is so proud of his work, and he stands strong in his conviction that a woman's kitchen is very important.  He is correct, and I love him for knowing that, for giving me that kind of respect.  

I only hope that he feels this kind of respect from me.  What is important to him?  I know the things that make him feel loved, secure, and happy.  Funny enough, what I fix for dinner has a lot to do with my husband's happiness.  These days we have been eating like we were on skid row. I have not been in this kitchen for some time, and I miss it. So, last night I decided to cook even though I felt horrible.  I made a roasted chicken, roasted potatoes, and steamed asparagus and broccoli.  I picked up a little and did a load of his work shirts.  It was a labor of love, but I wanted to surprise my husband and show him how much I love my new appliances, how much I appreciate him.  It was yummy, and everyone devoured the home cooked meal.  Later that evening as I was brushing my teeth, my husband popped his head around the corner and said, "The house feels nice."  He has missed me running things, when I am out of commission the whole house suffers.  He enjoyed the evening because his woman was working her magic, her nurturing magic.   My mouth was full of toothpaste, so i couldn't respond.  But, I know he knows.  I hope he knows that I love him for loving me and the job I do.  There is an unspoken bond between us, the bond of traveling together for half my life now, and almost half of his.  Words are not always necessary anymore. 

Marriage is a double edged sword.  It slices and dices, and then it puts things all together again.  All the pieces come together as I sit in this kitchen and I feel the real gift that my husband gave me, the gift he is.  He gives me hope, he makes me smile, he makes me feel safe, and I love him for that.